I will rage ...

Everyone has heard the statment "alone in a crowd" and I am sure that at some point in time in every persons life they have felt that way ...

I am in a weird place in life. I have become so very aware of all of my defenses ... all of my tactics to keep myself hidden behind walls ... and I have begun to tear the bricks down that have held me at bay for so long. It's so much work ... I'm sweaty and bleeding and at any moment I feel like every muscle in my body is going to revolt. But it needs to be done and I want it to be done. It's just that it seems like the more of my walls that I tear down the more I realize that everyone else is so walled up that I am still all alone ... now it's just alone in a crowd. Being open is really scary for me. This is new. I HATE new! Everything about me is changing so rapidly. I want to rip other peoples walls down with mine even though I know it's not my burden. The loneliness of life is starting to kill me little by little. I am working so hard ... growing, changing, refining, becoming an adult ... I guess I never fully realize how hard it would all be. I am so lonely ...

Jared told me to rage against the dying of the light. I am fighting for it as much as I possibly can. I am afraid though that there's not much fight left in me. If I am only going to end up alone in the crowd then what is the real use in tearing all of my walls down in the first place? So I can be a better person? What does that matter when everyone is so walled in themselves that they can't see who I really am anyway? Until I figure it all out or until I die trying ... I will rage, rage against the dying of the light ...