Can't wrap my mind around it

Drew has asked me to re-post a blog I wrote back on April 4, 2008 about the day we went to Sherlock's place on the 4th floor ... hope that it conveys even a fraction of the emotions that I felt I as wrote it ...

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There are moments that have marked me, changed me … sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worst. Regardless, these moments have shaped who I am, what I think and feel, how and who I love … you get it. Last Sunday, I was again marked. I haven’t been able to get my mind off of what I saw and experienced. I’m upset, depressed, broken-hearted, pissed and helpless all at the same time …

Let me try to explain:

As most of you know, Drew works at SafeHouse Outreach in downtown Atlanta. They reach out to people in the "margins of society" i.e. the extreme poor, children of inmates, and the homeless (plus so much more). We’ve met some truly wonderful, interesting, and devastated people. Many of them have become my friends. I care about them on a level that goes far deeper than wanting to give them bus fare.

One of the guys that have become a friend is Sherlock. He’s a white guy in his 30’s. You would never know he was homeless … weird, sure, but that’s his charm. He’s been asking Drew and me to come see where he lives for weeks. Sunday we were finally able to work it out to go over to where Sherlock has been living for the last 2+ years.

Let me pause here for a moment and collect my thoughts. There is absolutely no way that I will be able to fully articulate my experience.

Sherlock walked us from SafeHouse, down past 5 points and around to what used to be a clinic/hospital of some sort. About 12 years ago one of the floors caught fire and the building has been abandoned ever since. As we approached the building, there was a feeling of despair that came over me. It felt like a black hole sucking the joy and life right out of me. This is one of the most dangerous places in all of downtown. It’s rumored that over 100 people call that building "home". There have been murders. There have been random bodies found from overdose and just the harshness of living on the street.

We entered the door, which is nothing more than a hole cut out of the metal flashing that was put up to keep people out, and into a large, destitute room filled with rancid garbage. On the right was a small area with raunchy mattresses where people sit and smoke crack all day long. Sherlock turned on his flashlight and told me to walk between him and Drew because "people jump out of the shadows" as he put it. I immediately complied. He led us to a narrow stairwell and up four flights of stairs that were full of trash, debris, crack pipes, huge roaches and only God knows what else. Even though I was ascending, I felt like I was actually taking the stairs to hell. The smells, the critters crawling around, the oppressive feeling of this place … it’s as close to hell as I ever want to get.

We finally arrived at the 4th floor. We were at Sherlock’s home. I held the flashlight for him as he unlocked the huge chain that he uses to keep people out. While he’s unlocking the door, he tells us about having to chase people out by hitting them with a sledge hammer and stabbing them with rebar because they were cracked out and dangerous.

We walked through the door. There were massive piles of trash and filth everywhere, broken glass, moldy water leaking through the ceiling ... and the smell. There is no way to describe it. He and the two other guys who live on the 4th floor with him each had their own "bedroom". I only saw Sherlock’s. His room almost looked like a typical college dorm room. Messy, posters of girls on the walls. In the middle of the 4th floor was the common area. It looked more like a camp sight. It was dark so it was hard to see very well in there. But everywhere you turned, there was garbage rotting.

My heart was aching. I’ve spent all these months with some of these people and I’ve hung out with a few of them in the parking deck where they sleep and I thought that was rough. But this broke my heart. The irony is that in the middle of all of this ciaos and filth and desperation, Sherlock’s cat had given birth to three precious new kittens. He was so proud of how good of a mother his cat was and he beamed as he talked about the kittens. It’s the one ray of hope in his existence.

All of this has raised so many questions within myself …

How could anyone survive here?

Why?

What brings people to such a desperate place?

I also can’t stop thinking about those cute newborn kittens. It’s so very interesting to me that in the middle of all of this death (physical death, spiritual death, emotional death) that there can also be life, newness, purpose, hope. It was hard for me to see all of this and not try to swoop in and save Sherlock, his two friends, the cracked out lady we saw and the baby kittens. That’s what I do. I’m a mama hen. I want to shield everyone and protect them under my wing. And I wanted to cry just like I am right now.

I have yet to fully see what it is that God wants me to take away from this. But it has definitely changed me and my perspective on so much. No one and I mean NO ONE deserves to exist like this. Sorry for rambling ... I still haven’t wrapped my mind around this experience.

so proud!

emma got her report card today. she got nine a's and one b! she has also been placed in the accellerated classes again this year. we are so proud of our super smart baby girl!!

Say What???

I have the most amazing, loving, giving, genuine, artistic man whom I love with every fiber of my being ... and he returns that love to me 100 fold. He is awe inspiring, challenging and thought provoking. I am who I am today partly because of the influence he has had on my person. His presence in my life is the greatest earthly gift I have ever been given ... and yes, even more than my precious daughters are. I would not have them if it weren't for him and I definately wouldn't be half the mom I am if he weren't such an amazing father and support.

Okay, I'll curtail the gushing ...

Last night Drew, Luke and I spent more than four hours in deep conversation. I can honestly say that last night goes down as one of my all time favorites. Drew and I have the unqiue privilidge to indepentantly be best friends with Luke so needless to say that when all three of us are together, it's precious to me. I love Luke so much! But I digress ... If you know anything about Drew and I, you know that we love to talk about spirituality, life process, and all things surrounding love. In true form, the three of us got off onto those subjects last night and the conversation that flowed as a result was pure and beautiful.

After probably three hours of each of us sharing our thoughts on God, politics, religion, and the general way we each view the world around us, we got off onto the subject of why each of us knows that God is real regardless of what the church, religion or even the bible has to say about it. Luke and I had both shared what we think on the subject and why we think what we think. After we had finished sharing our points of view, it was Drew's turn...

And then Drew said the absolute last thing that I ever thought anyone would say ... he looks over at his brother and with tears welling up in his eyes he says, 'I know that God is real because of the endless grace that I see in my wife. Her ability to forgive and keep loving people and to continue to fight for those who have hurt her deeply shows me everyday that God is real.' I was blown away. I most definately don't think anything even remotely close to that about myself. I have the most difficult time accepting any complement at all ... even something as small as, 'hey, your hair looks cute' and I have to verbally find some way to discredit what has been said about me. I don't excatly have what one would call high self worth. So hearing those words come from the lips of the person whose opinion is my entire world brought me to my knees. All this time I've been going through life just being little ole me ... not trying to impress anyone and definately making no excuses for my brassy exterior and clear lack of verbal filter without even the slightest notion that anyone would find me inspirational in any way, much less as somewhat of a confirmation that God exhists.

So, I did what I always do when someone compliments me and I get all uncomfortable ... I cracked a retarted joke about how I'm really more of an ass than anything else ... mainly because I wanted to divert the attention from how completely exposed I felt in the moment but I haven't been able to stop thinking about what he said. I am so humbled that the man whose love literally pours out of his being, the man who is a sorce of strength those around him, the man who always puts others before himself, the man that others aspire to be would think anything so fundamentally positive about me blows my mind.

I feel like his ability to see positivity in me reflects more on his character and who he has chosen to be than on the reality of who I am and further more, if I truely am what he said, then it is a direct reflection of his influence on me over the last 10+ years we've been together.

To my love: Drew, I know that God exhists because I see Him when I look in your eyes. People just aren't truely compassionate, others focused, lovers of all, servants of all ... that simply doesn't exhist on its own. To me, you are a portrait of what true "christianity" was meant to look like. Your words meant more to me than you will ever understand and those words have challenged me at my very core. I love you and your sweet spirit. You are an amazing creature with which I am still not sure how I ended up partnering, but I am so thankful to have you in my life and by my side. Thank you.

ARE YOU SERIOUS???

I just saw what is possibly the most twisted and disturbing church web site EVER ...

I've been following all of the coverage on Heath Ledger. One of the stories that came out today is that Westboro Baptist Church out of Kansas is arranging to picket Health Ledger's funeral because of his part in Brokeback Mountian. Seriously? That in and of itself is gross enough. Why would you picket someone's funeral? Why would you add more pain to his greiving family and friends?

So, I Googled this church because I wanted to see what they were about ... OH MY GOD! Their church web site is www.godhatesfags.com No lie. The whole site is about how God hates pretty much everyone and everything ... but mostly the homosexual community. It's so upsetting what is said on the site and how it's worded ... it's almost like you can see this man's furrowed brow and hear the cutting nature of it all.

Is that really the message that he wants to put out there ... that God hates everyone? Yeah, that's going to make me want to believe in God, trust Him, honor Him, serve Him ...

I understand that many people read the Bible and feel that it is very clear cut on the homosexual issue. Personally, I don't know. I think there's alot of grey in that area that I'm working it out in my own heart between God and myself. But, for arguments sake, let's just say that I did decide that homosexuallity is a sin (and again, I'm not saying that it is or it isn't ... that's something you'll have to work out in your own heart) ... aren't we all sinners? The Bible is pretty clear on that. That's the whole reason for atonement ... Christ's death ... if we weren't such a big bunch of sinners, there would have been no need for Jesus to suffer on our behalf.

I am so outraged by this man's message. Yes, I know we all have a right to our opinion and we have a right to share our opinion with others. After all, that is what I'm doing right now ... sharing my opinion. But, I personally don't see the point in attempting to punish a dead man and his family simply because you don't agree with him.

And I'm totally heartbroken that anyone, much less someone who is leading a congragation of other believers, would portray my Lord and Savior as a heateful, spiteful ass hole who does nothing more than look down His nose and abhor His own creation. Genesis 1:27, 31 says, "And God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them ... And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day."

Furthermore, John 3:16-17 states, "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him."

....................................

The God that I serve is, yes, all powerful and He could smite me with nothing more than the blink of His eye ... but He doesn't smite me ... why? Because He loves me so much. He loves me inspite of the fact that I'm me which doesn't look or sound pretty most of the time ... He made me the person that I am because He wanted to have a relationship with the person that I am. And you know what? I don't hate homosexuals. They're not a bunch of pervs, child molestors and sinners as people try to portray them to be ... they are just people. People ... like you, and me, and the teller at the bank ... people. And God loves people. He's the one that thought them up in the first place, gave them free will, and ultimately, sent His son to die in order to save us from eternal separation from Him. If that sounds like hate to you, you're entitled to your opinion. To me that sounds alot like LOVE ...

John 4:8-11 says, " Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. He who does not love does not know God, for GOD IS LOVE. In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him. In this love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another."

I'm so fired up about this right now. I better stop writting before I start to get hateful like the folks at Westboro Baptist Church.

I'll end with this ... And then people wonder why my generation is running away from chruch as fast as their feet will carry them. Organized religion needs to re-read their Bible and get a grip on realtiy.

It's not supposed to be about hate. It's all about God ... and God is LOVE.

What's love got to do with it?

People suck. They totally and completely suck... with their secrets and agendas and lies and manipulations. People are rude and hateful and spew their venimous accusations and do it all under the claim that it's simply "out of love". That bothers me! We as human kind obviously don't know the first thing about Love. Love is not spiteful or hurtful or manipulative. Love doesn't fish for information only to use it for self-serving purposes. Love doesn't pretend to care or serve it's own agenda. Love doesn't keep a list of things to be upset about or accuse others with malicious intent.

Is this world really in such a sad state that it is considered okay and normal to tear people down and hurl insults at them "out of love"?

WOW. How have we gone so off course?

All of this brings me to the realization that human kind has no idea what Love really is. Someone needs to show the world Love ... actual LOVE.

Love has no agenda. Love has no point to prove or argument to make. And Love certianly doesn't attack or make accusations. It can't. It doesn't even have that ability ... because it's Love. It does not posess negative qualities.

A wolf is a wolf. Plain and simple. No matter how hard it tries and no matter how many wool pelts it piles on it's self, it will still have it's nargly fangs and it will still be a wolf.

No matter how hard people try to use fancy words or pretty packaging - malice and hate and hurt and insults will still be malice and hate and hurt and insults ... and such things are impossible to be done from a spirit of Love.

I Corinthians 13:4-7 says, "LOVE is patient, LOVE is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seaking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. LOVE does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."

That friends is LOVE. Loveing others under this true defination of Love is what we are created to do. This is our life goal. It is our greatest work. So let's put down our self-seaking agendas and put away our forked, visous tounges. Let us stop hurting one another and blaiming it on our "spirit of love" and instead, just LOVE. Pure, simple, genuine, humble, honest, trusting, others-driven, patient, forgiving, preserving LOVE.

Let us not insult Love any longer.

So, what's LOVE got to do with it? EVERYTHING. Love is my everything. I am going to give as much Love as I can to as many people as I can and hope beyond all hope that Love will make a difference in this world.

Like the Beatles said ... All we need is LOVE. And I couldn't agree more.

I will rage ...

Everyone has heard the statment "alone in a crowd" and I am sure that at some point in time in every persons life they have felt that way ...

I am in a weird place in life. I have become so very aware of all of my defenses ... all of my tactics to keep myself hidden behind walls ... and I have begun to tear the bricks down that have held me at bay for so long. It's so much work ... I'm sweaty and bleeding and at any moment I feel like every muscle in my body is going to revolt. But it needs to be done and I want it to be done. It's just that it seems like the more of my walls that I tear down the more I realize that everyone else is so walled up that I am still all alone ... now it's just alone in a crowd. Being open is really scary for me. This is new. I HATE new! Everything about me is changing so rapidly. I want to rip other peoples walls down with mine even though I know it's not my burden. The loneliness of life is starting to kill me little by little. I am working so hard ... growing, changing, refining, becoming an adult ... I guess I never fully realize how hard it would all be. I am so lonely ...

Jared told me to rage against the dying of the light. I am fighting for it as much as I possibly can. I am afraid though that there's not much fight left in me. If I am only going to end up alone in the crowd then what is the real use in tearing all of my walls down in the first place? So I can be a better person? What does that matter when everyone is so walled in themselves that they can't see who I really am anyway? Until I figure it all out or until I die trying ... I will rage, rage against the dying of the light ...